his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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