Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Nobody cheats on THIS.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
