I wannas sexs uuuuu
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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