omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
