you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
