you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
