I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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