so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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