My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
She has the best kind of daddy issues
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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