God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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