Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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