the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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