i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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