How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
