there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
