Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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