It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
