Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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