I CAN MOONWALK!
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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