oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize