yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
