Swine flu. Run for my life!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
