OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
