So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's never too late to be topless.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
