Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
is that a dick in a sweater?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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