I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
