dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
