something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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