Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
