Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
