I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
