does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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