while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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