i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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