She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
