i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We left an ass print on the piano.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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