and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
