ya dads aren't the best wingmen
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
