I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
