I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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