He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
