hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
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