in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
