3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
