Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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