I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
