Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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