Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
