I accidentally burped into my bong.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
i now understand why vodka
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
