Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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