I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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