Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize