i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
