She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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