So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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