ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i think my cat just said my name.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
