Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
